You Shouldn’t Have to Defend Your Surrogacy Decisions

Not your baby? Not your business. On Jan. 31, Lily Collins and Charlie McDowell announced the birth of their daughter Tove, making sure to thank their “incredible surrogate” in a joint Instagram post. The happy news should've been met with celebration and well-wishes for the family. Instead, commenters fixated on the couple's decision to use a surrogate, speculating about their reasoning, and describing their choice as “disappointing” and exploitative. After scrolling through dozens of misinformed assumptions and hateful messages, our honest reaction is . . . are we really still doing this?

Criticizing women for their surrogacy decisions is nothing new. (Remember the backlash Priyanka Chopra faced?) In January 2024, Pope Francis also sparked discussion after calling for a global surrogacy ban. He described surrogacy as “a grave violation of the dignity of the woman and the child,” but in reality, there are a myriad of “dignified” reasons why someone might choose to use a surrogate — none of which should have to be explained to others.

Within the LGBTQ+ community, for instance, surrogacy can help couples build their family and establish a genetic connection to their child. People might also choose to use a surrogate for medical reasons, like fertility issues or health conditions that could lead to a high-risk pregnancy. While there are people who decide to use a surrogate based on their personal preferences (which is also completely valid), surrogacy is most often used to help those who might not be able to carry a child or give birth on their own. That's not to mention the actual surrogates who've share their positive experiences, saying they enjoy being able to help families. So why are we still so quick to judge?

In this specific instance, McDowell had to take to the comments section himself to address the cruelty he and Collins had endured. “In regards to the unkind messages about surrogacy and our path to having a baby— it's ok to not be an expert on surrogacy,” he wrote. “It's ok to not know why someone might need a surrogate to have a child. It's ok to not know the motivations of a surrogate regardless of what you assume. And it's ok to spend less time spewing hateful words into the world, especially in regards to a beautiful baby girl who has brought a lot of love into people's lives.” We couldn't agree more. So the next time you see someone welcoming a baby into the world (via surrogacy or otherwise) — stick to congratulations.

Chandler Plante (she/her) is an assistant health and fitness editor for PS. She has over four years of professional journalism experience, previously working as an editorial assistant for People magazine and contributing to Ladygunn, Millie, and Bustle Digital Group.