It’s tough out there for singles in the dating world. There’s app fatigue, ghosting, and a growing political gap. But for trans men, there can be an added layer of feeling fetishized, particularly by straight or bisexual cis women. When Kai H., a 22-year-old trans man, was searching for a partner, he didn’t necessarily struggle to find one. But he did have trouble meeting someone who values and understands his identity.
I’m told that I’m beautiful and super cute, but they refuse to call me handsome, even if they’re corrected.
“I have been fetishized a good handful of times, mostly by women, actually,” says Kai, who is being identified by his first name to protect his privacy. “I’ve found they seem to either see me as a cutesy younger brother type, or that I’m just playing pretend with my identity and everyone’s in on the joke.” Women often point out his pre-surgery anatomy, for example. “I’m told that I’m beautiful and super cute, but they refuse to call me handsome, even if they’re corrected. They talk about how curvy I am, or that ‘the ladies must love my fat ass.’ Sometimes, even that I’m ‘wasting such nice tits’ by transitioning.”
While such comments seem vulgar and unnecessary, they can be an everyday reality for many trans men. Even when these comments are said with the intention of being complimentary, they’re unwanted and potentially triggering.
Many trans folks say that calling out this behavior is crucial, now that trans individuals are more visible than they’ve ever been. In past decades, there were very few out out trans men celebrities — Chaz Bono, the son of Cher and Sonny Bono, shouldered much of the spotlight (whether or not he wanted to). More recently, young trans actors like Elliot Fletcher and Zach Barack have brought visibility to trans men through shows and films like “The Fosters” and “Spider-Man: Far From Home.”
Though representation in the media has increased, public perception may be a different story. According to the FBI’s Annual Crime Report, hate crimes based on gender identity jumped 32.9 percent from 2022 to 2023 alone. Trans people are more visible now, but, unfortunately, some perceive this increased visibility as a threat to cis people and America’s fragile nuclear family. This transphobia has led to the othering of trans folks — and the objectification, and even fetishization, of them.
Emry Ramstack, vice president of the San Antonio Gender Association, notes that while “sexy” comments may be meant to be flirty or even empowering, they rarely are. “I think framing fetishized or sexualized comments as a ‘gift’ stems from the idea the people targeted are not human,” they say. “[It’s this] idea that they need someone to give them permission to exist, but only for gratification of the fetishizer. I think some people, especially early on in transition, enjoy receiving these comments because it makes them feel desirable. However, they are ultimately harmful over time, because it can allow the receiver to only view themself through the eyes of their fetishizer.”
Seemingly endearing but often emasculating terms like “smol boi,” “baby boy,” or “pretty boy” are used in excess to describe trans men. Ramstack notes that this behavior is often accepted, if not encouraged, in certain online communities. Specifically, he’s observed cis women using this stereotyping language in online fandom spaces. “There is a tendency to create ‘headcanons’ of characters who are small or weak as trans men,” they say. “It is also often accompanied by the message to trans men that if they do not fit this stereotype, they are somehow responsible for issues caused by cis men in wider society.”
Ramstack has also noticed that the fetishization of trans men is often focused on what’s “out of the norm,” like smaller stature or genitalia. They also typically see this fetishization play out in online communities. “This is due in part to the wider acceptance and visibility of trans people both online and offline, and the behavioral trends of being mean or rude to anyone online with minimal consequences,” they say.
Trans men may also be more vulnerable to objectification online as they’re “often left out of the wider conversation on trans individuals,” Ramstack says. Because trans women and drag queens are often the subject of national attention — and outrage — the lack of spotlight on trans men in general can be “detrimental,” they say. “It leaves some cis people finding trans men to be a ‘mystery,’ since they may never have seen trans men in the media or within their social circles.”
Ultimately, when dating trans men, it’s important to be open to learning more about their lived realities and respecting their emotions. “People who are actually into trans men and mascs encourage the steps we might be taking towards transition, they back us up when we get misgendered, they don’t make us feel like it’s just an act,” Kai says. He adds he felt his current partner truly respected his identity when he said, “We can wait until you’ve transitioned enough and when you’re happy with how far along you are on testosterone to have our wedding. I want you to see yourself in our wedding photos.”
Ramstack says what makes a relationship successful with a trans man is essentially the same as dating anybody — it’s all about listening to your partner. “If a cis person is in a relationship with a trans person while they start transitioning, they should provide reasonable support and understanding,” they say. “If their partner chooses to start hormone replacement therapy, they should also understand their partner’s body is changing and that includes responses in intimate moments.”
It’s possible to have a healthy, loving relationship with a trans partner, just like anybody else. Your greatest assets will be good communication, openness, and respect — which are lessons anyone on the dating scene can use.
Patrick Kuklinski is a longtime writer living in New Hampshire. He holds a bachelor’s degree in environmental science and primarily writes pieces covering environmental problems (and solutions).
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