Why Parents Should Let Kids Fail, According to Experts

Did your kid forget their lunch? Mess up a class presentation? Get left out of the group chat? Oof. The parental urge to swoop in and fix things is real. But here's the hard truth — every time we rescue our kids, we might be making things worse for them in the long run.

Research indicates minor struggles now build confidence, resilience, and problem-solving skills later for kids. When we let children fail in developmentally appropriate ways, they don't just learn how to handle failure — they learn how to recover from it.

Jessica Lahey, author of “The Gift of Failure,” witnesses this firsthand: She travels to schools all over the United States and leaves her email address so that kids can reach out to her. The majority of messages she receives illustrate kids feel they'll never measure up and that many believe their parents' love for them is tied to their performance at school.

Watching our kids fail is uncomfortable, but stepping back is one of the best things we can do for them, allowing them to develop skills they'll need for life. Here's why — and how — to let kids fail in a way that helps them grow.

Experts Featured in This Article

Jessica Lahey is a writer, speaker, and the author of “The Gift of Failure.”

Kendra Read, PhD, is the vice president of therapy at Brightline.

Why Parents Struggle to Let Their Kids Fail

Logically, parents know failure is a learning opportunity, so why do we grapple with letting our kids struggle? “It comes from a place of love, empathy, and a deep biological instinct to protect our children,” explains Lahey.

Kendra Read, PhD, vice president of therapy at Brightline, adds, “Failure – in big and small ways – is a certainty of life. Most misconceptions I see about failure come from thinking about the concept in terms of absolutes.” When parents believe children should never fail or when they catastrophize the consequences of small failures, they aren't setting kids up for long-term success.

Another challenge is that many modern parents have fewer children later in life and apply workplace problem-solving skills to parenting. Lahey says, “We take the tools and knowledge we've learned from work and transfer it to parenting, but we don't get a lot of feedback as parents. So, we co-opt our children's failures and successes.” We tend to take the blame that has to be owned by the kids instead of helping them learn through the experience.

When we constantly step in, we also unintentionally teach kids learned helplessness. “We are telling them, ‘I don't think you're competent enough to do this yourself,'” Lahey says. Over time, kids internalize this belief, undermining their confidence and ability to handle challenges.

The Science Behind Failure and Growth

Resilience is built through struggle. The difference between someone with high self-esteem and someone with low self-esteem isn't the absence of failure, says Dr. Read. It's the ability to recognize that failure is normal, and that self-worth isn't tied to perfection. “If you don't have the opportunity to experience failure, you don't have the opportunity to practice these skills.”

Kids need what Lahey calls “desirable difficulties” — challenges that feel hard but are within their ability to overcome. She references Laurence Steinberg's research on risk-taking, which points to the fact that a little kid's physical limitations will keep them from getting too hurt. Consider a teenager who has never climbed a tree and is suddenly being egged on by friends to do so. As a young child, they wouldn't have been able to climb as high, but now their risk of getting hurt is much greater. “We need to let kids try things that are developmentally appropriate, even if we are scared,” says Lahey.

Another factor to consider is parental accommodation. This urge to rescue kids from uncomfortable experiences leads to changing the environment in a way that prevents kids from learning that events might not be as bad as they thought. “When we constantly step in to prevent distress, we teach our kids that we don't think that they can handle the challenge,” Dr. Read says. This avoidance perpetuates that cycle and increases kids' anxiety over time rather than reducing it.

How to Let Your Kids Fail — Without Letting Them Flounder

If you need to incorporate more successful failure into your family life, begin with small, low-stakes challenges. Before stepping in to help a child, Lahey suggests asking yourself, “Am I depriving my child of a learning opportunity?” She provides examples like letting your kids order their own food or manage their homework. “Even if you have shy kids, they have to speak to grown-ups eventually, so help them learn that skill,” Lahey says. Plus, these experiences serve as stepping stones for bigger challenges later in life.

As a family, shift how you talk about failure and success. When a child comes to you with a problem, resist the urge to offer immediate help or reassurance. Instead, ask, “What do you think?” and give them space to weigh in to encourage self-reflection and problem-solving.

Dr. Read also cautions against a parent's temptation to issue blanket reassurances to kids like “It'll be fine” or “It's no big deal!” “When we do that, we tend to inadvertently invalidate how our kids are feeling,” she says. Instead, acknowledge their feelings and discuss possible outcomes, including what would ultimately happen if the worst thing occurred. This helps kids build realistic expectations and trust in your advice, says Dr. Read.

Use these discussions to encourage progress over perfection. Try to change the focus from outcomes (grades, awards, etc.) to effort and persistence to help you and your child begin to see failure as a learning opportunity. Instead of jumping in to fix mistakes, Lahey says, “Stop. Take a breath. Ask yourself, are there skills here that are important to be learned? And if I take over, will I deprive my kid of this life experience?”

Finally, normalize failure at home. Let kids see your mistakes or talk about ones you've made and how you handled them. When your kids make mistakes, Lahey suggests asking, “Do I want my kid to do this perfectly, perfectly safely right now, or be able to do it themselves next time?” If your kids balk at trying to do it themselves or feel uncomfortable with failure, work on telling them, “I know this is hard, and I know you can do it” rather than stepping in.

That same advice applies to parents learning to step back. It might be hard, but you can do it.

The Long-Term Payoff: Raising Confident, Capable Humans

Parenting trends shift. Gen X kids usually had more independence, while millennials were often helicopter-parented. Now, a balanced, scaffolded approach is emerging — one that fosters independence while providing support.

Kids who fail, recover, and try again grow into adults who can navigate setbacks, solve problems, and advocate for themselves. The ability to take action in the face of challenges is a skill no one can learn for them and one that cannot be taken away.

Dr. Read also points out that not all environments are equally safe, particularly for Black, transgender, and gender-nonconforming youth. A step-wise approach to independence allows for both skill-building and necessary safety considerations.

Letting go can be challenging, but as Lahey reminds us, “Learning opportunities don't happen on our timetable. They happen when a kid needs to learn something, and there are a limited number of opportunities during their time with us.” As parents, our job is to make sure we don't miss those moments.

By allowing kids to experience failure in a safe and supportive environment, we're giving them the tools to navigate life with confidence, resilience, and self-trust. And that's an ultimate parenting win.