Many would argue for the legal line: that if all parties are of consenting age and can fully and actively consent, then there’s no problem. But much like the equation, this line of thinking doesn’t consider the difference in power—in the actual ability to consent fully—between an 18-year-old and a 68-year-old. Legally, an age of consent is a great thing, but emotionally how we can consent is in some ways contextual, as well as ever-changing.
When I was 17, I had a short relationship with a man in his 60s. Then, it felt good—the sex was great, we were both totally consenting, and of course we never went public with it. That, interestingly, was a choice we both made. Shame? Or the projection of others? Behind our closed doors it felt like we were some kind of equals because even though the power dynamic was askew, who held that power often shifted based on what we could provide for the other.
There is a power dynamic to be reckoned with in any May-December relationship, but debates about age gaps often assume that the dynamic we speak of is simply one-way: The older person has all the power; the younger person is exploited or, at best, seeking proximity to that power. In my experience, the older person in the relationship has the power of experience, sure, and in our case he had much more money. There is the assurance of care that an older person offers you—a lift when you don’t even have a license. For many people this is attractive and a starting dynamic for many relationships where there isn’t an age gap. Power dynamics form for countless reasons: economics, gender, sexual experience, how you were parented, an understanding of domestic and thought labor.
In a May-December relationship, there is also the power of youth and access to youth culture—and that power can be exploited. When I dated older men, I derived a certain satisfaction from their desire for me. In turn, I felt taken care of, like I was learning at the hands of someone who had more life—and more sexual—experience than me. I found the older men I had relationships with extremely attractive, and it felt like our attraction was something more interesting and complex than that which was often held out as the social ideal: finding and fucking someone, then failing at marriage.
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