Vogue Etiquette: Fran Lebowitz and Lauren Santo Domingo on Hostesses and House Guests

Should you help your hostess with cleaning? Strip the sheets off the bed?

Lebowitz: Well, it depends. People who have a lot of help in the house: No, I don’t do that. Someone recently told me they were shocked that someone did that in their house. It’s better to find out how the household is run.

Santo Domingo: If there are 15 people there to do the laundry where you are staying, maybe not. But if it’s the couple hosting you who will be picking up, making your bed, and cleaning the bathtub when you’re gone, then absolutely. You help, you pitch in; you take care of yourself. My mother always said: “You should leave a room looking better than when you arrived.”

Do you have to make nice with children who are at the house? Or can you ignore them?

Lebowitz: I like children. I know this is shocking to people, but I really like children. And I like all my friend’s children. In fact, there are many of my friend’s children I prefer to my friends.

Santo Domingo: I think it’s important that children know how to say hello and greet their guests. It’s nice to have your children be a part of having guests, but some people like kids, some people don’t. I think the hosts can figure out pretty quickly which one it is.

What is your house-guest philosophy?

Santo Domingo: It takes a long time to learn how to be a good house guest. Once you have been treated badly as a guest, you know how to be a good hostess. Like everything in life, you only get to a place of being comfortable after a little bit of discomfort.

Should you provide your host with your exact arrival and departure times?

Lebowitz: I never thought about it. I mean, you’re usually invited for some specific period of time.

What would you consider a house guest faux pas?

Santo Domingo: I can’t even think of a house guest faux pas. In multiple cultures, the highest thing you can be is a guest in someone’s house. So I subscribe to that; when someone is in your house, they are a member of your family, and you treat them like a member of your family and you want them to feel as safe and comfortable as possible.

What would you consider a hostess faux-pas?

Santo Domingo: Unless your home is being run like an Aman, it’s your house, it’s your family house, it’s your private domain. And I think when you welcome people into your house, you need to be so respectful of everyone’s privacy. Gossiping or talking about your house guests, whether while they’re under your house or even once they leave, is, to me, just the height of bad manners and a sign of a very bad upbringing.

On House Rules

Should a hostess communicate any house rules? If so, how?