As it can be tricky to gauge how someone behaves in conflict during the smooth-sailing early stages of a relationship, Stockard recommends discussing the general idea of conflict as soon as possible. “Try to understand how they have navigated through conflict in the past, or how you would like to manage conflict as a couple,” she says.
Disrespect
How someone treats family members, friends, coworkers, and strangers offers insight into their character. “If they’re dismissive, rude, or constantly criticize those around them, this pattern will eventually extend to you,” warns Dissanayake. Watch how they treat waitstaff, baristas, and retail clerks, too.
Emotional manipulation
Emotional manipulation usually involves using your feelings and vulnerabilities against you to gain control. This can show up as guilt-tripping, the silent treatment, love-bombing, gaslighting, coercion, criticizing, isolation, helplessness, and regression. “If you feel like you’re constantly second-guessing yourself or walking on eggshells, that’s a sign of an unhealthy dynamic,” says Giolitti-Wright. Emotional manipulation is very common in people with personality disorders like narcissism, Giolitti-Wright adds.
Inability to regulate emotions
The ability to regulate emotions is an essential component of emotional maturity and emotional intelligence. “When a person allows emotions such as anger, sadness, guilt, and fear to impair their ability to think clearly, it indicates a lack of control and understanding of their feelings,” explains Antoinette Bonafede Shine, a licensed clinical social worker and expert in personality disorders. This means they probably won’t be able to communicate their feelings productively to you: “If a person’s state of mind depends on their mood, their feelings control them rather than the other way around,” says Bonafede Shine. This can be brutal to deal with: Not only will you always be unsure of what might trigger the next impulsive reaction, but you’ll always be waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Inconsistency
Words and actions should align. “A healthy relationship is built on consistency, not confusion,” says Giolitti-Wright. “If a partner says all the right things but their actions don’t match, that’s a warning sign.”
Inability to maintain long-term connections
Someone who cycles through jobs, projects, relationships, friendships, and communities may have commitment, intimacy, or vulnerability issues. “This pattern often indicates someone who leaves when things get difficult or who struggles with conflict resolution,” notes Dissanayake. “Look for evidence of stable, nurturing connections in their life.”
Impulsiveness
This may seem adventurous at first, but impulsivity can actually signify an inability to cope with uncomfortable feelings. “This can manifest in drug use, frivolous spending, risky behavior such as unprotected sex, and other unsafe behaviors,” says Bonafede Shine. “It often creates an environment where the partner views them as unpredictable or a wildcard.” Put another way? Impulsiveness can be a sign that you’re emotionally and even physically unsafe.
Defensiveness
Someone who is unable to receive feedback is usually also incapable of sustaining a long term relationship because they can’t handle conflict in a healthy way. “The person may have been overly criticized as a child and did not have a good blueprint of how to solve emotional issues with a partner,” says licensed clinical social worker Dr. Deb Castaldo, PhD, who recommends looking out for defensive statements and excuses like “I never do that, you always do that,” “I’m not willing to change,” “You’re wrong and I’m right” during arguments.
Dismissiveness
Dismissiveness often starts small. Maybe you tell them that something they did hurt your feelings and they say you’re overreacting or that it’s not a big deal. Or worse, they deny that it even happened in the first place. “You start questioning your reality—maybe you are too sensitive; maybe you remembered it wrong,” says Evon Inyang, a licensed associate marriage and family therapist. “This isn’t miscommunication, it’s gaslighting. If someone cares about you, they don’t try to convince you your feelings aren’t real. They try to listen with curiosity and understand.”
Excessive or early jealousy
Jealousy can be a sabotaging behavior and a form of manipulation. “At first it can manifest as a need to protect, but it often comes with a need for control,” explains Bonafede Shine. “It comes from a place of mistrust, a feeling of being out of control, and deep-rooted issues of low self-worth or self-esteem. It often leads to instigating arguments to prevent their partner from going out or even picking fights in public settings.”
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