Welcome to Delicious or Distressing, where we rate recent food memes, videos, and other entertainment news. Last week we discussed Mark Zuckerberg’s cattle ranch.
It’s 2024, and the gimmicky food collab machine is well oiled as ever. It most recently generated a Hidden Valley x Burt’s Bees line of chapsticks. Yes, lip balm that is flavored not only with ranch, but also with celery, carrot, and buffalo sauce—because we’ve all, at some time or another, wished to have our lips emanate the sweet aroma of Buffalo Wild Wings. I’m sufficiently self-aware to acknowledge that pondering the “why” of this product, and writing about it at all, delivers it the exact engagement both brands crave. At the end of the day, joke’s on all of us—it’s sold out.
Also this week, Critics Choice Awards attendees were served pizza in a bag, much to Oprah’s chagrin. Model Gisele Bündchen collabed with Erewhon on a new smoothie, with a name that rolls off the tongue: Giselderberry Boost. The “sleepy girl mocktail,” next to enter the “girl” canon, promises to act as a natural melatonin—TikTokers are all over it, but we’re dubious.
Read more below on this week’s food news around the internet.
In yet another cursed brand collab, Hidden Valley (the ranch dressing makers) and Burt’s Bees (the natural body care company) unveiled lip balms with flavors inspired by wings—including ranch, buffalo sauce, celery, and carrot. It’s another example of Hidden Valley’s clear bid for earned media; it’s already given us ranch ice cream, ranch caviar churros, pickle-flavored ranch, a 2-carat diamond ring made from Hidden Valley Ranch Seasoning, and a wallpaper that makes me dizzy.
Is Hidden Valley literally annoying its customers into brand recognition? We get it: You make ranch! Please just let us enjoy our ranch in peace. Unfortunately, I have fallen prey to the brand’s bit. I might be writing about the new collab, but I do have the power to rate this a 4.7/5 distressing. —Ali Francis, staff writer
Death, taxes, and Erewhon releasing some kind of new, celebrity-backed smoothie: First Bella Hadid did it, then Olivia Rodrigo, now supermodel and former Tom Brady spouse Gisele Bündchen has taken up this important task. Bündchen’s is açai-based, with coconut milk and almond butter—a carbless PB&J, she says. (The carbs are the POINT, Gisele!!) But the key ingredient is elderberry syrup, which she swears is the best way to ward off sickness. I’m sure the Giselderberry Boost Smoothie (that’s what it’s called) is an excellent smoothie or at least a tolerable one, but I’m having trouble believing it is anything like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich—if I’m being true, honest, and authentically me. Perhaps there will come a time when celebrities are not dictating what smoothies are available at Americas supermarkets, but today is unfortunately not that day. I will be eagerly awaiting the Jacob Elordi Power Greens juice that is no doubt coming down the Erewhon pike. I am rating this news a whimsical, no-carb 3.3/5 distressing —Sam Stone, staff writer
I love award shows, and for that reason I also love to wonder how the celebs are noshing when the camera’s panned away. (After all, it was this time last year that this very column speculated on the ornate yet untouched charcuterie boards at the Grammys.) One can only assume they’re mostly only feasting on opulent spreads—and indeed, they often are—but this year’s Critic’s Choice Awards saw some attendees plainly baffled as to the food in question. By some attendees, I mean Oprah; by the food in question, I refer to pizza in a bag. As the mobile pizza-in-a-bag purveyor approached her table, one Oprah did not elect for a slice. Gesturing to her general mouth area, she said: “I’m not messing up my lips.” All power to her, but I’d happily eat the pizza in a bag, if you even care. 2.6/5 delicious. —Li Goldstein, digital production assistant
I had maybe four hours of sleep last night so let me, a very haggard insomniac, tell you about the internet’s new supposed fasttrack to shuteye. Making a “sleepy girl mocktail,” a viral TikTok bev that’s at least a year old but apparently trending again, will supposedly knock you out. The lineup: Magnesium powder (a supplement with little sleep research), tart cherry juice (which naturally contains some melatonin, a controversial snooze aid), and seltzer or probiotic soda. Experts are skeptical about the science behind this witches’ brew and I am the anecdotal evidence that they are correct.
I have tried everything—meditation, journaling, white noise, weighted blankets, cognitive behavioral therapy, hormone therapy, and, of course, both melatonin and magnesium—to ensure my nightly rest. And here’s what happens: Some nights I sleep, others I do not. There is no rhyme or reason. I have lost hope. So, if this pretty pink beverage powers you down, you do not have sleep problems. You are experiencing a potentially very tasty placebo. Good for you! But on behalf of my puffy-eyed kind, who are constantly triggered by sleep advice they know won’t help, I’m rating this one a 4.1/5 distressing. —Ali Francis, staff writer
