Can Work Friends Survive Outside of Work? Experts Weigh In

Years ago, Danielle Bayard Jackson briefly worked at a marketing firm where she says she befriended five coworkers. The glue of each relationship, however, was really just the toxic office environment. Only one of those friendships ultimately lasted longer than her tenure at the company — and she says that makes total sense. “Other than the toxic workplace, we didn't have anything else to bond over or anything in common,” she says. “Our humor wasn't the same, and I didn't feel super invested in their lives beyond the work issues.”

As anyone who's navigated the complicated psychological acrobatics of workplace drama knows, having a crew of people in your corner who bear witness to the same distracting chaos can be validating. Gallup findings back up that having a work best friend is crucial for accessing social and emotional support. But what happens to your friendship when you remove the issue of work toxicity from the equation?

Bayard Jackson, now a leading friendship coach and author of “Fighting For Our Friendships,” says work friendships (whether they're formed to weather awful office dynamics or not) can function as any other form of friendship. That is, they can withstand life changes, grow, and evolve. But, that's only the case if a few conditions are true, she says: You have to enjoy spending time together, reciprocate each other's feelings, and also share the goodwill of wanting what's best for one another — all in ways that extend beyond the job.

Experts Featured in This Article

Danielle Bayard Jackson is a leading friendship coach and author of “Fighting For Our Friendships.”

Hilla Dotan, PhD, is a professor of management at the Coller School at Tel Aviv University. Her research focuses on social relationships at work.

Carli Blau, PhD, is a psychotherapist and founder and clinical director of Boutique Psychotherapy in New York City.

How Do We Define a “Work Friend” in the First Place?

Many people spend a whole bunch of their time working — popular estimates land around 90,000 hours or a third of your life. It only makes sense that you're going to connect with the people who share your space during that time on the clock. But, Hilla Dotan, PhD, a Tel Aviv University professor whose research focuses on social relationships at work, says personal friendships and work friendships aren't necessarily defined the same way. Work friendships require a person to juggle both a personal and a professional relationship simultaneously. But she says that all friendships tend to develop for a similar reason: Most of the time, it's to satisfy specific needs.

“We have friends we go to the gym with; we have college friends; we have friends from church. We have so many types of friendships that satisfy so many different needs,” she says, adding that for many, workplace friendships tend to develop specifically to meet a need that exists at work. “Does that mean these friendships are not real? Of course they're real. Are they different relationships than friendships outside of work? Probably.”

Psychotherapist Carli Blau, PhD, agrees. “I always say that relationships come into our lives for times, places, seasons, and reasons,” she says. “This includes friendships that we create at work.”

Understanding the 6 Types of Work Friends

In her research on workplace friendships, Dr. Dotan identified a framework for the subtypes of work friends that we tend to cultivate. Just as any friendship develops to satisfy a certain need, the same is true at work, and understanding why a given work bond formed in the first place can be helpful in predicting how well it'll fare if one or both people leave the company.

For instance, if you have a work friend you eat lunch with just to gossip about office politics, Dr. Dotan suggests the bond might not be so deep. In this case, when one of you leaves the company or your situation otherwise changes, your relationship might not make the jump with you.

“Some of us literally just want to have someone to go to lunch with, and we need them just for that — not to go to the gym or the movies or to talk about our kids,” she says. “They really serve a particular purpose at work. Once you go to a different organization, you will probably find another person to satisfy that purpose. The friendships that are likely to develop into a deeper, more emotional friendship are likely to last after someone leaves the organization.”

Here, learn about Dr. Dotan's six types of work friendship — and which might have legs for moving past just office life.

How to Maintain a Work Friendship After You Stop Working Together

According to Dr. Dotan, a successful work friendship that also functions as a personal friendship needs to have a duality: “There's a personal relationship and a professional relationship that we have to manage simultaneously.” If you remove the professional component without having developed a personal relationship, there's not going to be anything left. But, if you've cultivated a personal connection that lives independently of whatever noisy chaos ensues during work hours, then it may be in the cards.

“Making the jump from work friend to real friendship is totally possible,” Dr. Blau agrees. “It just takes a lot of time, effort, understanding and inclusion. When environments change, people change, too.”

Still not sure whether your work friendships could survive in the real world? Bayard Jackson suggests asking yourself a few questions: “One, if you took conversation about the toxic workplace off the table, what else do you have to discuss? What would bond you over together?” she says. “Next, ask yourself, ‘Do you enjoy this person's company just for who they are and what they offer you beyond something transactional? If this person adds value to your life beyond being something that buffers the stressors of the job, I think those are things to explore.”

To do that exploring, Bayard Jackson says to remove yourselves from any context or reminder of work (even if you both still work for the company) to see what happens. Try having conversations that don't touch on work at all.

So, how can you know if your work friendship could also function as a real-deal, out-in-the-world relationship that would exist even if you didn't originally connect by dishing about the turmoil of your 9-to-5? According to the experts, you can't know until you try — and the best way to do so is to get out of the office and treat the relationship the way you would any other type of friend in your life. Go to lunch, chat on the phone, take a workout class and see what happens.

Alexis Berger (she/her) is a writer and editor with more than a decade of experience. Previously the deputy editor at Well+Good, she now specializes in creating health, wellness, lifestyle, travel, and beauty content for a number of publications, including InStyle, Self, GQ, Well+Good, Business Insider, and more.