Ego Parenting: Expert Explain Meaning and Impact on Children

When you're young, it's easy to assume your parents know everything. They set bedtime, soothe your sore throats, and make sure you're never late to soccer practice. But as you get older, you may start to see them not just as parents, but as people — people who also make mistakes, overreact, and let their emotions get the best of them. When parents struggle to acknowledge these human moments, that's when “ego parenting” can creep in.

Though it's not a formal parenting style, ego parenting is something that can show up when parents feel challenged or like they have to maintain power over their children in every situation. It can look like refusing to back down in an argument, needing to be right or “win” every power struggle, or avoiding apologizing in an attempt to keep control.

Unlike “gentle parenting” or “permissive parenting,” ego parenting isn't always intentional. In many cases, many may not even realize they're doing it. But for children, it can have a lasting effect. Here's how to recognize the signs and what to do about it if you notice yourself falling into the patterns.

Experts Featured in This Article

Cheryl Groskopf, LMFT, is an anxiety, trauma, and attachment therapist based in Los Angeles.

Caroline Fenkel, DSW, LCSW, is an adolescent mental health expert and the chief clinical officer at Charlie Health, a mental health treatment program for teens and adults.

What Is Ego Parenting?

“Ego parenting is when a parent is parenting from their own need to feel good, right, in control, or validated,” mental health therapist Cheryl Groskopf, LMFT, says. “It's less about supporting the child's growth and more about protecting the parent's image or feelings.”

Adolescent mental health expert Caroline Fenkel, DSW, adds that ego parenting can occur when a parent is more concerned with their image than their child's actual needs. For example, a parent might push their child into playing a sport or doing an activity that the child isn't interested in — maybe because the parent wanted to be great at the sport when they were younger, or perhaps because not participating in the activity or sport would reflect poorly on the family.

Though ego parenting can look different for every family, here are a couple of common examples:

The Problem With Ego Parenting

When children are raised by ego parenting, it can have a lasting effect on their confidence. “They often internalize the belief that love is conditional — that they're only worthy when they perform, behave, or feel a certain way,” Dr. Fenkel says. Over time, this can lead to anxiety, perfectionism, low self-esteem, and a fear of making mistakes, she says. Groskopf adds that even in her own practice, she has seen adult clients who still believe that they're only lovable when they're perfect or convenient.

Unfortunately, even if ego parenting isn't intentional, it can come from a generational cycle. “Most of us parent the way we were parented, or we fall into patterns we never intended to repeat,” Dr. Fenkel says. But if you want to move toward healthier parenting habits, you have some options.

How to Avoid Ego Parenting

Avoiding ego parenting starts with recognizing the behavior. “When you catch yourself reacting from ego, try to pause and ask, ‘Is this about my child's needs or my own discomfort?'” Dr. Fenkel says. “Self-awareness is the entry point to change.”

“You don't have to be a perfect parent to be a healing one.”

Once you've acknowledged this is something you want to work on, Groskopf encourages you to get curious about your child's behavior — not defensive. This means instead of prioritizing your own needs, try to understand what would be best for your child by asking them, listening to them, and making decisions that are best for them.

Then, learn the power behind apologizing. “When a parent admits they were wrong, it gives a child permission to be imperfect, too,” Dr. Fenkel says. “It shows them that relationships can bend without breaking, that repair is possible, and that accountability is a strength.”

So, the next time you overreact, make a mistake, or say something that you shouldn't have, know that apologizing is more productive than not. “Saying something like, ‘I shouldn't have spoken to you that way, and I'm sorry,' builds emotional safety and models exactly the kind of resilience we want our kids to develop,” Dr. Fenkel says. “You don't have to be a perfect parent to be a healing one.”

At the end of the day, the goal is that your children feel safe and supported. “Parenting isn't about getting it right all the time — it's about staying connected, even when things are messy,” Dr. Fenkel says. Fortunately, when you start acknowledging your own mistakes and vulnerabilities, you can then create space for your child to do the same.

Taylor Andrews (she/her) is the balance editor at PS, specializing in topics relating to sex, relationships, dating, sexual health, mental health, travel, and more. With seven years of editorial experience, Taylor has a strong background in content creation and storytelling. Prior to joining PS in 2021, she worked at Cosmopolitan.